Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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