dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
