you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
