I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
