HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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