last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
