I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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