its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
