Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
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Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
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My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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