Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
