Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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