I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
