I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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