You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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