I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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