I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Randomize
