does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I need to stop coming to work sober
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
