Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
