The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
