I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
