i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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