Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
