so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
honey bunches of taint.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
