I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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