I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
