my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
