i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
