Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
