He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
did you just send me my own nude
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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