i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
