i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
