pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
