Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
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If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
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I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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