my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
i think my cat just said my name.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
We are all done wearing pants today
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
