allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
