I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
