Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
In other news, I just burned my penis
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
