My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
