so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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