Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
