Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
