can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
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S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
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I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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