For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
