I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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