you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
