I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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