My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
