Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Randomize
