Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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