It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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