She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
