Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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