i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
