After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
