Please don't use social media to get back at me.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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