I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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