I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
