Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
