Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
